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The tourist had been fishing for two weeks on Loch Lomond without even getting a bite. Then on the last day, he finally hooked and landed a salmon. he looked at it a little wryly. You know Tommy he said to his gillie, "this fish has cost me six hundred dollars."
"Well, Sir," said Thomas, "it's a good thing you only caught the one"
When old Mr Abernethy reached the age of 100, a reporter from Radio Clyde came round to chat to him.
"And how do you feel when you wake up in the morning?" he asked.
"Increasingly surprised," replied Mr Abernethy
"Fergus is such a pessimist. Even when there's a light at the end of the tunnel he thinks it's an oncoming train"
In the Sunday School class the teacher asked:
"Who is it that knows everything we say and do?"
"Mrs Hall next door, Miss," said one of her pupils
When Mrs Broon appeared in her new fur coat, she was accosted by an angry animal lover.
"What poor creature had to die for you to get that fur coat?"
"If you really want to know, it was my mother-in-law," said Mrs Broon
Guide in Glasgow's Burrell Museum: "These Egyptian carvings are more than three thousand years old. Perhaps Moses saw them when he was a boy."
Visitor: "I never knew Moses had been to Glasgow"
When Hamish was still at school, he once brought home a report which said, "We had thought Hamish had reached rock bottom. But he has started digging"
An Australian entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman.
"Where are you from, pal?" asked the Scotsman after they had chatted for a while.
"I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world," said the Australian.
"Are you?" said the other. "You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman"
Whilst they were shopping in Glasgow's finest department store, Mr MacPhindoe saw a diamond tiara.
"Will we buy you a coronet, Maggie?" he said.
"Don't be stupid," said his wife. "You know i can't play a musical instrument"
The journey from Edinburgh to London is a long one, and the train was running late as usual. Just before it reached the big smoke the ticket inspector checked the tickets of an Edinburgh woman and her son.
"This boy looks a bit old to be travelling on a half-fare," he said.
"Well he was young enough when we started," replied the mother
"When you go in there," said the temperance crusader outside the pub, "Satan goes with you."
"Well he'll have to buy his own drink," replied the drinker